Not so much a 'Piece of Cake'

Evening Subscribers!

I apologise I haven’t been posting as much recently, I’ve been having a bit of a crap time. I wasn’t going to post anything tonight but I thought why not! That’s why I’m doing this to be honest and open.

It all started the other week when I ordered a cake… yes, a cake. Imagine telling your counsellor or psychotherapist that, “why are you low this week Holly – aw’, well I decided to be a grown up and order a cake…” I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in shall I? If you suffer from Anxiety you’ll probably be nodding your head as you read this in agreement like; “yeah got you there, with you on that one” so I know you’ll feel my pain. So, I was with some family waiting on another family member picking me up. They all had coffee and cake and I thought, you know what, I’m going to order myself something too (which for me is very brave). I got to the counter and my hands started to sweat, the waitress asked me what I wanted and in a total rushed decision, I asked for a piece of their chocolate cake (no coffee – coffee is baaad for Anxiety). It quickly dawned on me that I didn’t actually want that cake as I was going out in public and I didn’t want to have chocolate stuck in my teeth (attractive). The usual Holly would walk away with whatever I got given but something in the back of my mind told me to step up and be a grown up – so I changed my order. You’re probably reading this thinking – she’s not right… well evidently I’m not or I wouldn’t be writing this post, but the Anxiety that came over me when I changed that order was soul destroying. When I got back to the table I felt awful, the sweats were starting and I was trying so hard to control my shakes. I looked at the stupid Caramel Shortcake I got instead and thought “I don’t even want to eat you now”, all that for a bloody piece of cake. I felt sick, I felt like everyone in the room was staring at me – did she really just change her order? Someone alert the authorities! My aunt picked me up and by this point I was feeling terrible, so much so, about 15 minutes later I managed to give myself a panic attack. I felt a little better after it mind you, I was in the best of company and also in a car instead of the middle of Braehead (shopping centre) where I was heading - so I am lucky.

I know a lot of people will read this and think I’m pathetic but to be honest your opinion is your opinion and take from it what you will, but I wanted to share this with you all for you to see just how much Anxiety takes over your life; getting the bus, meeting someone in the street, ordering a cake… it’s sad but I truly felt like I wanted the ground below me to open and swallow me up, it’s especially hard when you’re trying to control the symptoms in public or in front of people whom aren’t aware of your Anxiety.

So if you have Anxiety and have went through something like this before – clearly you should not feel stupid or be hard on yourself because truly the slightest things can set it off.

If you are a friend/family member of someone with Anxiety, be nice and be patient. I know this all seems a bit dramatic to you but until you experience it first hand, you’ll never really understand that feeling of Anxiety taking over your body – physically as well as mentally.

I honesty wish I could take my Anxiety and scrunch it up in my hand into a million tiny pieces and get rid of its remains, sadly I cannot. Having you guys to open up to and hear your stories is honestly the most amazing thing and helps me feel better knowing I have all you lovely people to be my ‘shoulder to cry on’ and I will always do the same for every single one of you.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your week and hey, if you see a cake shop - have a good think before going in… ha kidding!

Speak to you all soon!

Holly xo